GTFO

Anger was washed away in the river along with any obligation.
— Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

It's not funny today...but I sure bet it will be funny tomorrow.

I'm currently on a drug (and pesticide) called Coumadin for Portal Vein Thrombosis that was found during an MRI a couple of weeks ago. While on Coumadin, I'm required to get my blood checked weekly to check my INR levels. My perfect level sits between 2 and 3, but until the doctors can figure out the dosage and how my body reacts, my levels are fluctuating.

I'm no doctor, but I feel like my levels are too high at present. Why? Because I'm having some serious nosebleeds. I'm not 5 years old. What is all this?

Ulcerative Colitis. Check. Cancer. Check. Anemia. Check. Nosebleeds. Oh come the fuck on!

Last night was particularly fun. Yesterday was the official bag change day...the whole shebang comes off twice a week...it's an event like no other. Imagine the best New Year's Eve party you've ever been to - now think what something would feel like if was the exact opposite and 100 times more lame and annoying. That's the bag change day.

Well - last night during the ceremonious change, I decided that I would like to shower full butt naked. No bag. Which was a wild thought for me. You know me...always living on the edge. So here I am in the shower, enjoying said shower, washing my hair, washing my face...then BAM...the Red River begins a-flowin'.

Five or so minutes go by. I'm pissed. Making a bloody mess. Denied the enjoyment of my shower.

WOMP WOMP.

Then another gift: poopy time.

There I was - essentially leaking to death from every orifice natural and surgical. Good thing I refuse to cry and had peed just moments before my shower - it would have been the perfect storm and I would have turned all Carrie on 13th Street. No one would have been safe.

Yesterday it was both maddening and annoying. Today it's pretty hilarious.

Thanks Mr. Hemingway.